I have been thinking allot of my role in life lately.
I had a difficult morning, following a very frank discussion about my language capabilities with my mother. According to her, my language skills are "inadequate". She is correct, of course. Even after three and a half years of college, my Spanish is not good enough. I was not overly preoccupied during the early years, because I knew that Mexico would solidify my skills. Yet once I got here I realized how much work really needed to be done. I have had to step up my game considerably. Six classes, extra-curricular activities, friendships and family simply aren't enough. I need to spend extra time memorizing vocabulary, studying the grammar and making a concerted effort to apply what I am learning. It is really hard and sometimes I don't feel like it is paying off. I think I need to keep in mind the fact that I have only been here for one month (exactly). I think that is the scary part though, I am only here for four months. Is that really enough time? It is going to have to be.
In my melancholy stupor, I spent the day questioning myself and the purpose of these last three and a half years. I have been very "me" oriented lately, thinking only about my personal language skills and what I personally am getting out of this experience. I seem to have forgotten that this journey isn't about me, per se. My initial objective was to help the people of my community. Have I forgotten that? I hope not... Without that goal, I don't know if I will succeed.
Then, while reading an article about the culture of indigenous people (of course a vast over-generalization), I started to apply their values and beliefs to my own. Their profound respect for the land, the importance of family/community/honor, the idea that life should not be about individual gain, but promotion of the whole... Then I applied my knowledge of the drastic changes occurring rapidly in these societies due to westernization and globalization. These beliefs are no longer the social "norm". They are considered antiquated and old-fashioned. They are labeled as "traditional", a word that is becoming redefined and associated with the dying generations. People my age no longer hold to these beliefs, they are more focused on the popular Western world and material gain. Why else would so many pueblos be completely devoid of younger generations?
Yet again, my initial purpose was to help the people who came to the U.S., seeking employment and opportunities to provide a better life for themselves. Yet by participating in this new culture, I am supporting the very system which I so passionately detest. I am facilitating the destruction of the values I cherish.
*sigh*
I am more confused than ever....
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Dear Teally,
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure I can say anything to help with your confusion, except that, for what it's worth, perplexity and confusion I take to be inescapable elements of a self-reflective life. We probably can't ever leave them behind for a life of certainty, nor, I think, would we want to. It's nice to have them in balance, in those moments of life in which we know ourselves best and feel a more solid sense of purpose, but when they flare up again in earnest it is often because we've thrust ourselves into another period of growth and searching. And don't we, as self-reflective people, want such growth and searching here and there throughout our lives? Perhaps more often than not. The going can be painful and rather graceless at times, but it's a price we willingly pay I think.
And at the very least, even if this confused state of being does not contribute to our long-term well-being, know that you are in good company.
(Also, for what it's worth, you've got a fan club that thinks you'll make it through with grace and style to spare.)
With love,
hellenista